Outside

I tried to be an outside person today.

I put on my overalls and my garden shoes. My hair, up in a pony tail and my head jammed into a red baseball cap. I looked like an outside person. I had good intentions.

My first idea was to stain the new arbor, on the side of the house. Green. Okay, I can do this. I got the can of stain, a new paintbrush and a stirring stick. I thought that shaking the can back and forth was sufficient but Carlos said that I really needed to stir it.

Staining the arbor meant that I had to climb a ladder. I had forgotten that part when I volunteered for the job. I hate ladders. But I somehow convinced myself that this ladder was safe, even though I knew deep down that no ladder is safe. They all have stickers on them showing men falling off. I had to stand on the next to the top step. It was a miracle that I didn't fall and kill myself.

If you've ever stood on a ladder and held a bucket of paint and a brush all at the same time, then you know what I'm talking about. It's hard. And I hated it. There was no way in hell that I was going to do this job.

I told Carlos that I didn't like the green stain and that I'd rather paint the top section turquoise. He, thinking that I was being sincere, agreed.

Whew. Got out of that job. I cleaned out the brush and put the stain away.

That whole project took about 15 minutes. And in those 15 minutes, I had been bitten by 4000 mosquitos, I was sweating como un puerco and beginning to itch. But, DAMMIT, I was going to stay outside. I was going to be an outside person today.

Next idea: I decided to cut back the grass around the front flower-bed thingy. How difficult could that be?

I got the shovel. Carlos "suggested" that I put on gloves, I waved him away. What? Does he think I don't know what I'm doing! I jabbed the shovel all around the bed, creating a sort of half circle thinking the whole time how it was going to be so pretty.

After having created a new clean anal edge with the shovel, I realized that I had to get down on the ground and start shaking the dirt out of the big clumps of grass and back into the garden. I could just throw the dirt away, along with the grass but I figured that that would get me some really bad karma.

After realizing that I did indeed need gloves, I got down on the ground to begin the surgery of separating dirt from grass.

Uh Oh. This isn't dirt. It's mud.

As it turned out that there would be no shaking off of the dirt. What I had were these big clumps of mud with grass on the top. What do gardeners do when this happens. I knew what to do. I threw the mud and grass clumps off to the side in the sun to dry. I leaned the shovel up against the fence and took off the gloves. "Nothing I can do here"!

This project took about 12 minutes.

I walked up to Carlos and asked him to look at me. "Do I look like I fit in out here"? "Do I look like an outside person"? "I have on overalls, garden shoes, a hat. My hair is in a ponytail. Why don't I feel like I fit in"?

"No" he said. "You don't look like you fit in. You should go in the house and do yoga or something".

"I hate it out here". That was all I could think of to say.

I chunked my shoes off in the garage, came in the house, stripped down and got in the shower.

I will never do that again. I hate it out there.

After this shower, I think I'll pluck my eyebrows, or I might work on a drawing, or bake a cake.

One thing for sure though, I absolutely will not try to be an outside person again.

It's not in my genes.